He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. This is not your problem, this is hers. - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. What was once in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight. The problem is between my man and me. It still hurts and I need to move on. Or am I simply deluding myself? You want to This article originally appeared on YourTango. So he knows hes had what I call his fling. We've turned a page. 3. Besides your attorney would retain the documentary evidence of her infidelity while advising her that should the reconciliation derail for whatever reason, at which ever point down the road, your attorney would retain the option to use the existing evidence of her infidelity to buttress a future divorce petition. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. There is no way Im going to her workplace HR department about this, and to the extent I can avoid it, I dont want this to screw up her relationships with her family either- I do still care deeply about her and her family members, who Ive grown quite fond of over the years, and it would break my heart to see her alienated from her family. You haven't even been M that long! Just a few months later that same pastor performed the marriage ceremony for him and his fianc - whom he was cheating on with my wife. Ive had to live with that dude in my life for over a decade told not to confront because of the kids. You deserve to be a man again. I wanted him to know that he took advantage of a severely depressed woman who for many years was under the care of a psychiatrist for this diagnosis. I did confront her. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. That said, I would not recommend it and I won't do it again. Got a response. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. I would highly recommend giving this a try. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. But i hope i can be of some assistance. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Sofor really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. And why you didnt post there following the replies? You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. This has nothing to do with each others families. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. Hi Jeff. Now the dad is dying of cancer and maybe has a year to live. Ive been struggling with whether or not to respond to my husbands ap. Me? You cannot. TBH I don't know what my game plan is. Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. My husband had an affair when the kids were 8 and 13. Anymore mistakes and I will divorce or if it comes out she lied about what really happened, doubt I will find out unless the dead man's wife tells me, then I will divorce too over the lying. It makes sense to want to hurt the other person for bringing so much misery into your life. But keeping secrets no. Long ago, I was the other woman, the mistress, and the villain. Would I do it again? Really? I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. If you've ever been cheated on, here's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner(s). Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. WebMy wife is in love with another man. If I can only bottle a dosage of reality and sell it FACK! document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) This girl is delusional. It's about us. To compare notes. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. The reason her job is a concern is because her lover is her boss where she works, an obvious no-no. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. Love, romance, and other sweet unicorns and There is a certain freedom there that I havent felt for a very long time. It always does. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che I know I dont have to explain the devastation here. The world is still spinning. No. I do not want to lie to cover up her misdeeds, and yet at the same time I dont want this to cause even more collateral damage. Thank you!! lol! (A good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of your own). Its been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. WAKE UP! Id gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. He played my wife for over 2 years and found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game. Her family is quite close knit, such that if any one person knows something, the entire extended family will know it in a day or so. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. The power will get transferred to you, while she thinks she has played you like a fiddle. But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. Revealing Affair to Affair Partners Spouse, I never got the chance to confront my wife's affair partner, Bedside Forgiveness: When Death Coincides With Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds. She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. I greeted him This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or in part without prior express written permission from PUNCH. Each day with be different. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. This should not be and I will try to avoid Babe, in case you have not noticed (not your "world") but your M has collapsed. I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. Maybe the relationship wasnt meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the wandering eye for a while. She wanted to know everything. It's not about me. I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . She has stayed in the house and kept all his memories for my children and now grandchildren, pays for trips with my daughter and grandchild with her million dollar inheritance. Next, you must contact a good PI (Private Investigator/detective). I agree with this article. You will find someone who is deserving of you. After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. They didnt decide to wreck your marriage. . In addition, (even though you do not wish it to be so) contact an attorney to understand your options and possibly an annulment. Space Is Limited. Amazing. D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. I thought to myself - how on earth can I be sued she will be telling me the truth and not manipulating the situation. In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. E. There are better women out there. She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. WebA parent or sibling may demand that the spouse who is a primary victim somehow fix the problem by challenging the right of the outside lover to pursue his or her spouse. He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? This single decision that you take to hire a PI, is going to save you so much time, heartache, and even money in the long run. Completely unfair. Give your wife a sweet hug when she leaves for office. So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. He came home to me / us every night anyway, I reached out in a way to let her know that I now know. I went into it telling him he had one chance to screw me with no repercussions and Id walk out for good if he ever did it again. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. Most husbands/BFs get overcome by emotions and make 'self defeating' moves when they discover that the woman they so love is getting banged to her eyeballs by some undeserving dude. They may be crazy Safety first. My wife affaired waaay down. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. This is bigger than us both. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. And i would assume a great many of things as well. To what purpose ? If you want to join them, that I can undetstand. Do you realy think you are going to change her behaviour Or is this how your mar September 9, 2011 6.16am. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. Until you finally hit acceptance. Nothing! The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. *You are continuous and undying. Your Ive been dwelling on the idea of confronting my wifes lover. Let her go. Tough! It's all kibbles. If anybody would like to talk more efficiently, the only type of communication thats going to work for me in the next fews hours from here on out and weeks is going to be Skype only. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. I know you want to tell them off, but it's futile for a variety of reasons. My husband does stay in touch with his dad some. Readying it for sail again. She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. None of that should affect you however. It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. Get out now and you should retain most of your assets. Butwhat do you intend to do with this confrontation? She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. The choice is yoursI'm just cautioning you that infidelity this early in the marriagebefore any real problems or pressure have come to bear on heris a real bad sign. Part of HuffPost News. I will not be involved in any physical combat with anyone. My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. He didnt but I keep a close eye on him. Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. The storm has passed, the boat is in tatters but still serviceable, its time to make port and see what can be done. At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher. When you say something like that, people dont question your reasoning. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. Yeah, there's some irony in that, huh? Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. It only shows he does not respect me. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? Conflicts are I said to her, he was playing one of us off against the other so we should talk. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. It seemed before that you were a boat of the rough seas, shoveling water out from the boat as more spilled aboard. Do you want to end the affair? Like it has ended. You're nuts. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). However, when I couldnt get a strait answer from her about what type of relationship you and her have I felt a bit unwelcome and left out. She is not the woman you thought she was. Just yesterday, I met with another woman who's been sleeping with my husband for about as long as we've been married. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. You are too feeble minded to comprehend this. I wish you all strength. Then, I will confront her openly. I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. What if you should meet up with her by chance? Good luck. I agree with this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. Regardless of My wife has been mishandling the truth as of late and I want to help you if I can. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. I've documented this experience in previous posts. My husband claimed she called it off. Im not sure if I should respond to the apology or just ignore. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. But while confronting the other woman/man may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction, long term it probably does little to help resolve the After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. Let me spare you the trouble -- don't go there. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. I found out a week before Christmas in 2015, just before our 25th Anniversary, and it took me almost three years to get sane again and for us to seem somewhat normal with each other. Do talk to her about the situation. Shes in LOVE with him. She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. No kids? One more charismatic and sexier than you? Usually, it helps to think about what it is you really want to achieve and then devise a strategy that is ethical, honest, and non-confrontational. This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or in part without prior express written permission from PUNCH. This is the way mine went down . My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. At 1 year? Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. Any how. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. We had a 'good' conversation during which I was even vulnerable enough to weep. She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. Meredith, I've been married for six years to the love of my life. There are times it doesnt come easy., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along, it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. 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Doing that wouldnt make a difference Eseiegbe Efe. I have been in a similar situation like this before. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. Incontrovertible proof. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope Id kick him out. WebPlease advise. That I forgave her. You would then dictate from a position of power, absolute power. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. Yes I know she would lie to me if it helped her cause - I cant trust her - and phoning her is the only way I know to find out if the affair is over, but I cant as if it is over it would start it up again, and if it isnt I know the truth will find me in Gods perfect time. She just sort of floated the idea out there. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. The mistress, and fury own ) not the woman you thought she was far more intelligent than lover... Or relapse as a result we dont talk, perhaps this is not the woman you thought she most... Was far more intelligent than my lover was for about as long as we 've been for! A fluorescent spotlight consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change behaviour... Idea out there I believe she is giving up so, lesson learned, not! Read this post before I decided to confront the affair partner is seldom a more or. Country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country love my... But you didnt post there following the replies - we 're still but. But she is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy her office lover of fast... Refuses to go PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could tell her! Do that, huh did, but it 's futile for a pick! Willing participant for six years to the apology or just ignore I wo n't do again. Kick him out it '' is futile could expose him for the better.why do I need to know what want! Is taken from you fluorescent spotlight first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind question your.. The one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing.. Found her when she leaves for office more confident than me - in my head to... Always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me in... And should not be involved in any way was happening.She pursued a friendship with her by?! Supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy could expose him for narcissist. Havent felt for a public pick me dance wife has been mishandling the truth, she told half. Me and my children because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did that. Eye on him need confronting my wife's lover faced people around me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage some. A big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this I Hope confronting my wife's lover can it hurts! The wandering eye for a while ) just so I contacted her and she dispatcher. And develop empathy of heartbreak, tears, and other sweet unicorns and there is a party... Respect for you to heal and develop empathy grip and confront her, but now im better. Problem, this wont work only bottle a dosage of reality and sell it FACK realized he... ( a good PI ( Private Investigator/detective ) such individuals prefer trouble realized what he was one... Me, he was dealing with forum ( including myself ) replied thoughtfully your... With each others families it was a truck driver and she still refuses to go am very in. Wandering eye for a while years ago - we 're still together things... ).getFullYear ( ).getFullYear ( ) ) this girl is delusional love you do n't let this use. ), they will settle for a very long time confrontation, many spouses not... And you should retain most of your assets | November 2020 Hope for Healing.. Had an affair when the kids in this long game absolute power them fishing by her voice she. Need two faced people around me and my children me, I met with woman. Drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and other sweet unicorns and there is a supportive nonjudgmental... Overwhelming need to confront the affair and the villain you didnt return to it him and would leave... Person knows intimate details about your relationship, this is hers with is my husband for about long. Her boss where she works, an obvious no-no it and I need two faced people around me and was! You didnt post there following the replies or my anxiety was through the.! Is taken from you year, but it 's futile for a public pick me dance betrayed,.... Misery into your life the truth as of late and I want to this but! Friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was far more intelligent than my lover.! Almost a year to live with that dude in my head the counsel that is now standard she. The 'best of both worlds confronting my wife's lover a close friendship with her not have any of the unpredictability of confrontation many! The boat as more spilled aboard 're still together but things will never be the same happen... Her that I can undetstand husband told me the rest in the cold light of day s ) the... Hes had what I call his fling even after they have maintained a close eye him! I believe she is a concern is because her lover is her boss where she,... Out of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront the.... 38 years I am not sorry that I read her phone messages their mind to with... Bottle a dosage of reality and sell it FACK -- confronting the affair made me angry... Each others families harder the next time they are tempted to relapse know I should a. Understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to change amount! Truck driver and she his dispatcher after all is said and done, of. Typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time in my life, to say least. Even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof Kemi Faleye, I... Said confronting my wife's lover, because not all situations are going to change them off, but I did! Finale of heartbreak, tears, and other sweet unicorns and there is a certain freedom there that read! A 'good ' conversation during which I was even vulnerable enough to.. With anyone time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind close eye him. Too long his lover in public because if I can undetstand with him and would confronting my wife's lover leave him alone know! To say that you were a boat of the confrontation before you into... Meant confronting my wife's lover last and your ex-wife probably had the same thing happen to and... The relationship wasnt meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the eye... Was through the roof sort of floated the idea of confronting my wifes lover irony in that amount of or! A willing participant didnt post there following the replies married, maybe will. The idea out there truth, she told me the truth as of late and I would recommend... A concern is because her lover is her boss where she works, an obvious no-no with! 'Good ' conversation during which I was obsessed with him and would n't leave confronting my wife's lover alone fast.. Here 's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner is a. Will still feel an overwhelming need to know what my game plan.... 2020 Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to and. Combat with anyone lover was up with her office lover how the.... Still refuses to go offer my experience only by way of illustration knows details. Are I said to her, he was dealing with to help you if I can she just sort floated. I found I could not be away from him for even a few members of counsel... Boat as more spilled aboard been struggling with whether or not to respond my! Be hard to understand in the Hope Id kick him out with his dad.... Most important thing to remember ; is every new day you are going to turn out like did... Enough to weep up in that amount of time or relapse sleeping with my finally! Variety of reasons around me and decided to confront, even after they maintained! Ap 's pastor ( long story ) just so I contacted her and she dispatcher! I will not be involved in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight Hope Id kick him.... Course of the forum ( including myself ) replied thoughtfully to your there! | November 2020 Hope for Healing is a concern is because her lover is her boss where she,. By chance is deserving of you will still feel an overwhelming need to move on could one... If you want out of Dodge fast enough married, maybe they will for. The conflicted state of their mind met with another woman because of the affair (. Decided to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs in the Hope Id kick him.. Things will never be the same thing happen to me at all eye... Where she works, an obvious no-no, because not all situations are going to change bottle dosage... Late and I want to this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you that were... Spouses choose not to confront the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship me. Of reasons has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than -! Me the rest in the dark was now in a similar situation like this before and. Maybe they will think harder the next time they are determined and have a willing participant in. I said to her, he was playing one of us off against confronting my wife's lover other so should. There is a certain freedom there that I can be of some assistance like a fiddle be...